If you ever read this I want you to know how much I love you. When I was at the OB's office getting an ultrasound to find out if you were a boy or a girl the tech scanned your entire body as you kicked and squirmed in my belly. She said "Are you ready to find out if you're having a boy or a girl." I nodded and held my breath. As the image became clear, I saw that you were a boy and said out loud "That looks like a boy?" She nodded and said "You're right, it's a little boy!" I was so excited to know who you were.
I always thought that I wanted a little girl and at first, I mourned my childhood fantasy of having a daughter. I knew that having a son meant that I would never get to put pig tails in my little girl's hair or help my teenage daughter pick out a prom dress. At first, I let myself feel sad about that.
Then something amazing happened. After one week of lamenting the loss of a pink room and little purple leg warmers, you started to really move around inside me. The kicks got harder and I could really feel you wiggling in my belly. I started to feel YOU.
I have to tell you that after I had given birth to your big brother Griffin, the strangest thing happened. I would have him all dressed and the diaper bag full of bottles, diapers, a change of clothes, and all the things that a mom packs to take care of her baby. I remember one day, I had put him in his car seat and had my full bag with me, ready to run an errand. I felt like I had forgotten something in the house. I did a mental check list of all that I needed and I had grabbed everything. Then I realized that it was you. My next baby who would one day come to me. This happened to me on and off over the next 3 and a half years. A moment would pass and I would feel like something was missing. It was you. I was missing you.
So now, I am 19 weeks pregnant with the baby that I have been waiting for. As you grow and kick me, I am feeling overwhelmed by the fact that you will one day soon be in my arms. That you, sweet boy, are the soul that I have been waiting for. Not a daughter like I thought wanted. No, I'm realizing before I even meet you, that what I NEED is you. I will celebrate every inch of you. I will celebrate everything about you. I will have my two boys and we will have wonderful adventures together.
You Cowen...are perfect for our family. I can't wait to meet you.
I love you,