Monday, September 20, 2010

Oh baby!

Disclaimer: If you are a man or have a weak stomach just go ahead
and scroll down the find out the winner of Freakshow Friday

My best friend had her baby boy last week and oh boy is he ever sweet.
That makes three of my closest girlfriends to have had a baby in the last six months.
Needless to say, I have had many conversations about pregnancy and childbirth as of late.
I decided to go ahead and compile a list of

the top 10 things that no one tells you about pregnancy and childbirth

that you probably wouldn't want to know until after you've given birth
but you really do need to know it before you give birth.


1. The week before you find out that you're pregnant, you will get totally smashed and then recall every drink you downed with horror.

2. Once your baby starts growing, your stomach can only hold the smallest amount of food. You will realize this when you order your favorite meal at a restaurant and feel full after one bite.

3. Nature plays a cruel joke on you and six weeks before your due date you will not be able to
sleep. You either have to get up and pee every 15 minutes or you just can't get comfy.

4. When it' s time to push, you don't care who is down there to catch it. The janitor could throw on some scrubs and grab your baby for all you care. All modesty goes out the window as well.

5.You may want to not intervene in any way and have a natural childbirth. I feel obligated to tell you that allowing your OB/midwife to pop your water can cut your labor by hours, trust me, I should know!!! You can still do a natural birth after the water has been popped.

6. You will not get any sleep in the hospital. Someone will come waltzing into your room every 15 minutes. You will want to kill the nurse who comes barrelling in the door at 4:00 am.

7.You feel like your hoo-hah was turned inside out and put right side out again. Ice packs are your best friend and Percocet is your second best friend. Go ahead and put an order into the nurse for drugs the moment that baby is out.

8.They stuff you into these huge non-sexy mesh panties after giving birth and they feel SO good. You won't care that you look like an old woman who had an accident in her pants.

9.You will think that you want to go home and sleep in your own bed, but then you get home and quickly realize that you should have stayed in the hospital one more night. Do yourself a favor and stay where the prescription drugs, nurses, and lactation consultants are as long as your insurance will let you.

10.You will never be so scared to take a crap as you are after you've pushed the baby out. Take a stool softener and you will be So glad that you did.

Please scroll down to see the winner of Freakshow Friday.

17 comments:

Julia said...

you nailed every one on the dot!!! so so true!

Dee Crowe said...

Yes the mesh panties...I hate to admit this, but after I got home (I had a c-section)I made the husband go back to the hospital and get me another pair...!

Course....no one ever told me that once I got home I was supposed to start wearing underwear that kinda holds me in..cuz now, after only one child I have this pooch(that will never ever go away)...so sexy!

IASoupMama said...

After weeks of my hubby's snoring, my dogs, my son and my bladder keeping me awake, I refused to let hubby sleep at the hospital with me the two nights I was there. I only wanted to be woken up by ONE being for just two nights... It worked! Thank goodness...

The Mims' said...

Oh so true on every single one! I remember when no one told me about the itchy abdomen and the lina negra, oh how sexy that was. LOL!!!

Sue said...

I used to stay in the hospital till they carried me out forcibly!

Fun list.

=)

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TRUE. man. you are good.

singedwingangel said...

OH see my mom was FASCINATED by my birthing stuff. Cause I was the only one who had it natural out of 4 girls. In her day they scoped ya, meaning you were so out of your head you didn't even know you were pregnant let alone in labor and came to with a baby in the room.. In her day they also shaved ya down there, and there were no ice packs you sat there with your feet in stirrups with any stitches getting dried from the heat lamp.. Umm yeah.. So glad we have grown in that area lol

Holly said...

Every pregnant woman should read it..although she won't believe it until after she has had the baby. I used my bobby to sit on for the first 2-3 months..a bunch of ice packs fit nicely into the hole of the boppy!

Snuggle Wasteland said...

I feel deprived. They didn't give me the meshies.

Mommy Lisa said...

The best advice I EVER got was to take a ton of fiber while I was pregnant to not get hemerroids AND to use the sitz bath at the hospital as many times a day as you could and do it at home too.

Erin said...

ok...you left a few things out.

Like that if you have a c-section, the mere sight of the incision will send you reeling.

And your breasts will suddenly start to feel like rocks, and that means your milk is in.

And that anytime you leave your house and you hear a crying baby (even if it's not your kid), your boobs will leak everywhere.

You will not want your husband anywhere near your boobs. or anywhere down south. For a LONG time.

Breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone. Don't feel guilty if you have to use formula.

Don't reject anyone's offer of ANY kind of help!!! EVER!!!

And last but not least, don't be scared of the stuff that comes out of you following childbirth. No, those aren't your internal organs.

;-)

Teddy Started It said...

Hmmm...I've always done things the backwards way. I had absolutely NO discomforts with either of my pregnancies: no sleeplessness, no chronic peeing, etc. And actually, most people agree that I was much nicer/tolerant/etc. during my pregnancies. I had planned Cs, so no pushing, no labor, etc. #6 -- definitely a problem for me. Boy howdy! I still feel sorry for the night nurse who kept having to respond to my blood pressure monitor (I have very low blood pressure and kept setting the alarms off every 15 minutes!) As for those comfy mesh panties, I'm allergic to most synthetic fabrics -- talk about times/places NOT to have itchy reactions!!! Ugh! But the mesh patterned welts were an interesting topic of conversation for anyone coming to examine me. ;p

RunMonkeyMama said...

All true, so very very true. I have to add, that if you do get an epidural, and you happen to be a redhead with freckles, do.not. have them give you the immediate pain relief meds, only the long-term meds. The immediate pain meds work, but will leave you so crazy itchy you would have preferred to skip them and wait it out for the long-term meds to kick in. Not sure why, but redheads have it the worst.

Dana at StrawberryTart! said...

Haha! I love this! I just had flash backs and wondered "do I really want to go through that again?"

an9e1a said...

Hahahahaha. Oh my word! I'm gonna be giggling over number 10 for days to come.

Vera said...

Yes!

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

Haahaaaaaa! Great list! I always try and smuggle out all the mesh panties I can get my hands on in the hospital! Those things are awesome. p.s. does an epidural wearing off count as natural childbirth? if so--ouch and i am not a big fan! ;)