Monday, January 17, 2011

A stream of consciousness post where I start out strong but then quickly descend into an internal battle that becomes external.


I know that a lady is not supposed to admit her age but I'm going to get wild and crazy and tell you that I am 36 glorious years old. People have remarked my entire adult life that I am a kid at heart and I've really held onto that over the years to keep me feeling fresh and young. Well, since we're friends and all, I've got to admit that I am feeling a shift within me. It's not that I feel all old and lackluster or anything but I am feeling...less young than usual.

It's okay, I don't have to panic about it, even though I am a little bit. While at the dermatologist recently to get a biopsy done on a wonky looking mole (it came back benign-whew, now I can sleep again) I found myself looking at their anti-ageing literature out of the corner of my eye. I suddenly envisioned myself getting a chemical peel and some skin tone evening done on my face. You know what? I looked great in my imagination. Screw you wrinkles...I'm not scared of you. Well, maybe a little. Oh and you know what else? It didn't freak me out that I had that vision either. See what I mean, I've had a shift?

I feel myself trudging out of my fertile years and cruising into the next phase of my life. Where I am done having babies and I release my identity as a Mom with young kids. I know that I am years from hot flashes and Botox but I'm also light years away from my past of Cosmopolitans at Happy Hour and falling asleep drunk with my make up still on. No, these days I fall asleep quite sober with moisturiser smeared into every pore on my body. Except for the nights when I might slip a little Bailey's into my decaf and pass out on the couch at nine o'clock pm while drooling into pools of lip balm and mascara...but I'm not admitting anything. Okay, I'll go ahead and admit it. See, there I did it again, a shift!

It okay for me to age. It's okay for me to shift as I age. It's okay for me be 36 and feel 36 and just go ahead and accept that I am going to be 40 sooner than later. It's okay for me to get chemical peels and wear Spanx to the grocery store. It's okay for me to wear sensible shoes and elastic waste pants. It's okay that very soon, I will go to the grocery store in my Spanx and have no need to shuffle down the baby aisle because I won't have a baby any more. It's okay for my babies to become children and for them to be embarrassed by my sensible shoes and elastic waist pants. It's okay that I am trying really hard to convince myself that I will be okay with all of this.

It is going to be okay, right?

12 comments:

Our Beaten Path said...

It is going to be okay!! I really loved reading this post. It made me smile sitting here by myself at my computer. 40 is the new 30!! Dontcha know!? :) Life is just beginning. I've had my boys (somewhat young) mid & and then late 20's....and as much as I love them as baby and toddler-I do also look forward to them a little older and my husband and I doing our own thing again.

R Montalban said...

You made me smile reading this and I think you are going to be just fine, in fact better than fine, a lot better.

Snuggle Wasteland said...

You'll be great!!! (You know I'm trying to reassure myself too, right?)

Caroline of Salsa Pie said...

I loved this post. You're such a good writer! And, yes--it will be okay. I'm 34 so i feel you here. I've actually heard some friends say that their 40's have been their favorite age. :)

jfickes said...

If it makes you feel any better, you'll always be 18 in my head. I feel ya in this post though mama.

Dixie Mom said...

You are entering a very surreal moment. I am 41 now and I have begun the cross over. Some mornings I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I had people tell me for years that I looked young for my age and I thought I would never stoop to botox or laser treatments. i tell you I am at the door now...about to cross the threshold into the world of plastics. I am not ready to let go. I am no longer accepting to wear the hot high heeled shoes. if they are uncomfortable, they are not for me. Oh, help me. I'm getting old.

vanilla said...

It's going to be okay.

Sue said...

You bet it is! In fact, it's better than okay. It's a whole new world.

And you get to take the old one with you. Because you become the sum total of ALL the pieces of your life. Your spirit just gets bigger to hold them all.

=)

singedwingangel said...

Trust me as the shift grows and it will grow you will realize how okay it is. How society and the world don't matter much in the opinion department as much as your babies do.Spanx will become your friend and time will march on with you comfortable in your shift now

Daffy said...

I don't know...I don't think I'm the best person to ask.

I just started a 'Fix Me' fund.

No joke

Its a manilla folder


It has $23 in it.

mommarocks said...

I'm 35. I feel the same as you. It's like a mid thirties crisis. eeek, it's really hitting us - getting older. ack. Just when we were starting to think it was never gonna happen!

Renegades said...

It is going to be ok. I'm at the point you are. I never thought I'd question losing my child bearing years but I am too.