Let the accolades begin

Being that it's Halloween and I'm feelin' a bit saucy, I've decided to pay homage to an icon. I'm throwing on Audrey Hepburn's Breakfast at Tiffany's ensemble and I'm jumping into my limo for a long awaited award ceremony.

Now...let's stop for the pesky paparazzi, shall we?

We don't want to disappoint our fans.

Now that we have that out of the way, let the award ceremony begin.

First up, I am honored to receive the Baddass Blogger Award
created by The Crazy Baby Mama.
I adore this lady, she is sharp and smart!


So, I proudly present "The Badass Blogger Award,"
to the following writers, for their outstanding ability to be poignant and funny.

It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy
Team Boo
Let's Have a Cocktail
Stir-fry Awesomeness
Lee the Hotflash Queen
Speaking From the Crib
Steph in the City

Next award is the Best Blog Award
given to me by Every day in Gray
and Marlie and Me
(who also gave me the One Lovely Blog Award)
The rules say to pick 15 bloggers
but I just don't have that kind of time
being so famous and all.
So...I'll pick 8 to give these two awards to
cause I'm a rebel and a rule breaker!



Cute-n-boot
Pink Flip Flops and Wine
Project Mommywood
A Day in the Life; Chronicles of an Only Parent
The Crazy Baby Mama
Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver
Martinis or Diaper Genies?
Batcrap Crazy

Okay, cue the music for the next award...
Honest Scrap
was given to me by
That One Mom and All God's Creatures



I've gotten this one before but I'm not one to turn down a gift.
So, I pass this lovely award to

Everyday in gray...
Marlie and Me
A Nut in a Nutshell
Hillbilly Duhn's Times and Tribulations

According to the rules, I should tell y'all 10 things about me.
I've done this before and I'm trying to
get this lovely post typed before
my baby wakes up from a nap.
So, here are my ten facts re posted!

10 things that you don't know about me
1 .One of my favorite indulgences is eating fast food in my car.

2. In high school I won the "Wittiest of my class" superlative.

3. I was the only person who campaigned to be voted Wittiest of my class. It's amazing what
teenagers will do in exchange for a cookie.

4. When I meet famous people, I turn into a total spaz and scare them to death.

5. I hate spiders. I saw one the other day and screamed like a baby.

6. I am working on a novel that I have been writing over the last 12 years.

7. When I am on Oprah for the novel that took me decades to write, I will wear a red cocktail
dress, fishnet pantyhose, and widely inappropriate shoes.

8. If you are what you eat then I am a French fry.

9. My biggest pet peeve is when I am taking shower and suddenly the water gets hot so
I turn on the cold water a little bit and then the water gets too cold so I turn up the hot
hot water a little bit and it gets too hot and the cycle continues throughout the entire shower.

10. My baby is enamored with Diet Dr. Pepper cans. If I lift one to my lips in his presence
he erupts into wiggles and giggles.

To the ladies that won this award,
the rules also say to send it to 7 Bloggers.
Like I said before,
I'm a rebel and a Mommy on a schedule
so I'm doin' it my way!

Last up...
Steph in the City gave me the Heartfelt Award
I give it to these wonderful ladies



All God's Creatures
The Mother Load
504 Main
Adventures of the Reluctant Housewife.
MamaOTwins+1

Okay...my baby just woke up.
I pulled off the award ceremony.
Just like Holly Golightly would
I am going to change my baby's diaper
in this fabulous black dress and diamonds!

Freak show Friday: Halloween Edition

It's time for another instalment of "Freak show Fridays" where I challenge my readers to write a caption or story for a photo taken from the website Awkward Family Photos. Here is this week's photo, I think that it's very Halloweeny!

With this photo, Papa Bear lost his last shred of dignity!

My hilarious and handsome husband
will be the judge this week because
my best friend Erin will be partying her face off with a bunch of
smelly hippies at a Phish show this weekend.
Needless to say, she will not be available for judging.

The winner will receive this very prestigious award that I created to proudly display on their Blog forever. I'll also make a huge deal out of how awesome and funny you are and link back to your Bliggidy Blog.

Come on...you know you want that award!

Simply post your caption or story in my comments!
The winner will be announced on Monday.

Fall in formation little soldier!!!!

As a stay at home Mom it is pretty common for your life to settle into a routine. I find myself doing the exact same task at the exact same moment everyday. Although it may seem like my life is stuck on repeat, it's actually really comforting to have those moments. I know that it makes my children feel really secure to have a routine. I'm not making any effort to establish these daily rituals at all. Our life has slowly settled after the birth of Koen and Griffin starting back up at school this year. Most of these rituals are normal everyday things that take place in every household everyday. Things like, making breakfast, loading the dishwasher, forcing your child to stop what he is doing and put on his shoes, etc.

Well, there is one ritual that takes place in our home every evening at 5:58 pm. It cracks me up when it happens because it is just so ridiculous. Here is what happens...

I'm in the kitchen throwing dinner together.
I look just like this...minus the apron and perfectly coiffed hair.

Griffin is in the living room watch Arthur on PBS.
He is entranced and happy as can be.
It's a win/win situation.

As I cook, I am closely watching the clock.
I am peering out the window and surveying the driveway
for Roger's car pulling up after his long commute home from work.
Roger has but one request and that is
that the television be turned off and that we greet
him with complete love and adoration at the door.

His fantasy looks something like this.

In order to create the perfect greeting for Roger
I have to synchronize his arrival with the turning off of the television.
Griffin and I both like waiting until the very last moment to turn it off.
I get to cook in peace and he gets to watch the end of his show.
So...I am like a little wizard in the kitchen.
Tossing food in the oven, setting the table,
shoving a pacifier in Koen's mouth as he
plays in his exersaucer.

Then, the moment comes when
Roger pulls up in the driveway at 5:58 pm.
I scream to Griffin in the living room
"Dad's home...quick, tun off the TV!!!"

Griffin runs like a bat out of hell
and turns off the TV as fast as he can.
Then he runs like a good little soldier to the window
and peeks at Dad walking up the steps to the front door.
He jumps up an down and shouts
"Hi Dad!"
out the window as Roger
unlocks the front door.

I grab Koen and toss him on my hip.
We all migrate to the front door
with love and excitement to hug Roger.
We pull off Roger's blissful welcoming everyday
the exact same way.
We are like a well oiled machine.

It's the least we can do
for the man who works so hard
to bring home the bacon!

Smooth move mommy!

I am terrified of Horses. I could write for days about all of the reasons that I find them to be one of the most terrifying creatures on earth but I'll just save those details for a therapist's couch one day. Much to my chagrin, Griffin is taking horseback riding lessons. Every Monday afternoon I stand in the barn and try to remain calm as my precious child grooms a huge horse. I refuse to show any signs of fear (reason #1 horses are scary-THEY SMELL YOUR FEAR) because Griffin has a lovely relationship with these fearsome animals.

Well, yesterday my good intentions ran out and I spazzed out. Griffin started to walk casually behind Rosie the big huge horse (reason #2 they are scary-they might kick the crap out of you if you walk behind them) as his instructor had her back turned to him.

Suddenly this image flashed in my mind

I freaked out! My mama heart exploded in my chest and before I could stop myself, I screamed at the top of my lungs "GRIFFIN, NO, STOP!" I screamed as if he was about to walk in front of oncoming traffic. Griffin jumped, the horse jerked, and his instructor looked up in shock. Instant tears came flowing from my little boy's eyes as he held his chest and caught his breath. "You scared me mom!" he whimpered. "I'm afraid of Rosie, I wanna go home!"

His instructor swooped in and comforted him and assured him that Rosie was sweet and that he had nothing to fear. I felt like an idiot. I felt like an asshat as I stood there watching my son fall apart because of me. I wanted to comfort him.

I was ejected from the barn. Ms. Jacki said "Mommy is going to go take a little walk and meet us down at the ring in a few minutes." I was ostracized from the stables. I took my walk of shame and almost started crying. Luckily, I pulled it together and by the time they walked toward me for the lesson, I was all fake smiles and over enthusiasm.

Griffin recovered pretty quickly from my outburst but processed it throughout the entire lesson.He grabbed a plastic frog that they use in the training and said "Never stand behind a frog or thay will kick you!" Then he'd hit himself in the head with the frog. He said the same thing about butterflies and puppy dogs.

"Great" I thought to myself, "I've ruined the entire animal kingdom for him!"

When we got in the car to leave, I told Griffin how silly mommy was for yelling like that and that sometimes mommies do that because they love their kids so much. He let me save face and said "I wasn't scared cause you yelled mom, I was scared because I was thinking about skeletons."

You know what though? I never have to worry about Griffin walking behind a horse ever. I put the fear of God in him. Sometimes, as a Mom, I guess that you just have to act like an a-wad and get ejected from the barn. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my kid out of harm's way!

In other news...
we have a winner in my first ever Giveaway.

Congrats to Lesley at Project Mommywood

She won all of my loot from Scary Mommy contest.
Prizes include a t-shirt and poster for the movie Motherhood


and blankets from aiden+anais

Thanks to all of you so much for your readership and support!

We have a winner

So after a very well thought out discussion, our panel of judges have agreed on a winner for this week's Freak show Friday caption contest. Both my BFF Erin and my hubby Roger took their position as judges very seriously. I wish that you could have sat in on the conversation that took place to decide the winner, it was a thing of beauty.

Moving on...

Here are the top three picks for this week in no particular order.

MamaOTwins

"To prove her Mommy wrong - Lucy stayed in that position for a full 20 minutes,
then realized she was stuck like that for life.
This picture was taken while Lucy was waiting for her pancakes,
2 years after she first got stuck."

FranticMommy
"Lena was exceptionally bummed
when her photo submission of
"Goth Freak Centerfold of The Month" was rejected..."

Moooooog35
"Circus freaks make enemas looks SO easy."

The winner is....
MamaOTwins+1

"To prove her Mommy wrong - Lucy stayed
in that position for a full 20 minutes,
then realized she was stuck like that for life.
This picture was taken while Lucy was waiting for her pancakes,
2 years after she first got stuck."

Yay for MamaOTwins+1.
She is the funniest blogger on the block and
now she has the trophy to prove it.

Display it with pride, you earned it!

Thanks to all of the people who played along!
You are all hilarious
and I hope that you will
tune in this Friday for another instalment
of
Freak show Friday!

Pardon this interruption...

Thank you!

I AM a Scary Mommy!

I won Runner Up in the Scary Mommy contest!
Which we all know means that I am really the second winner!

It's all because of y'all...
thanks to all of my wonderful readers
who took the time to vote for me.

I was the fan favorite!

I won all kinds of movie goodies like a t-shirt and a poster
For the movie Motherhood.


I also won these
sweet little blankies from aden + anais.

Well, to let y'all know just how grateful
I really am for all of you
I am going to have my first ever give away.
Some lucky winner will get these lovely items that I just won.
Because I'm crazy like that.

Just leave a comment to this post by Monday October 26
the cut off time will be 9 pm.
I will randomly pick the winner
and announce it on Tuesday October 27.

The best part of winning runner up
in the Scary Mommy contest
is that my post will be published
on the website for the movie
Motherhood
with a link back to my bliggidy blog!!

I better clean up the place.
I have a feeling that company might be dropping by!

Freak show Friday

It's time for another instalment of what I've decided to call "Freak show Fridays" where I challenge my readers to write a caption or story for a photo taken from the website Awkward Family Photos. Here is this week's photo. Get ready because it's a doozy! I'll take a stab at it just for fun.

Lucy loves OJ so much that she would bend over backwards for a glass.

The winner will be chosen by my hilarious BFF Erin and my husband will be on the panel this week as well. I'll just go ahead and tell you that these two are funny as hell. I don't want to psyche you out or anything but, the bar has been raised. So, show us what you got!

The winner will receive this very prestigious award that I created to proudly display on their Blog forever. I'll also make a huge deal out of how awesome and funny you are and link back to your Bliggidy Blog.

Come on...you know you want that award!

Simply post your caption or story in my comments!
The winner will be announced on Monday.

A big fat Thank you!

Have I mentioned how much I love my readers? I really do love y'all. Just a mere 3 months ago I had all of 8 loyal readers and a few lurkers (I'm talkin' bout' you Morristown, New Jersey and Plano, Texas) who have been with me from the get go. Lately, I've had an explosion of readers and I wish that I could thank every single one of you face to face. Thank you for giving my writing a purpose. Thank you for giving my voice an audience.

I've also made some new friends through this Blog. I guess that in the olden days we would be considered pen pals. These lovely ladies stop by everyday and leave me a comment. Some of us have taken a step further and even started e-mailing each other. It's like a whole new network of women there to say "Yeah...I was up at 4 am this morning too!" It fills a gap in my life that I didn't even know was there.

What did our moms do in 70's when there were no computers? They must have relied on their neighbors and community to close those gaps that we all have as mothers, women, humans. I feel so lucky to have this cyber community be just a click away.

I was always one of those girls that passed notes in class. You know the one, it read

Will you be my friend? Check one please.
Yes
No
Maybe

Thank you, dear reader, for checking "Yes"

Revenge is sweet

Today has been one of those days. Where I just don't feel like being the Red Power Ranger, thank you very much! I am being stalked by a toy!

Everywhere I turn there is a kid who needs me. Koen is teething and boy, is he ever grumpy. He wants to be held at all times. The sight of me constantly holding Koen has sent Griffin into a jealous quest for attention.

Griffin keeps showing up every other minute with that Red Power Ranger grasped in his little hand, a whiny voice, and big manipulative eyes. "Wanna be the Red one, come on, let's have a battle!"

I hate that Power Ranger and I have plans for it!
Tonight that toy will mysteriously disappear. He's going to find himself at the bottom of a very dark closet. Never to be heard from again.

The art of distraction

Roger and I have a little flirtation that takes place at the dinner table.

It started years ago when were dating and we still do it to this day.
If one of us is eating something yummy (let's say a plate of greasy ol' fries)
the other will pull the age old trick where you point over their shoulder
and yell something ridiculous like "Oh look, a unicorn!"
The victim unknowingly looks behind them and
then the bandit steals a French fry off of their plate.
I know, it's not exactly high comedy unfolding while we eat dinner
but it's a fun way to say
"I still care enough to steal your food."
We're very romantic.

Well, Griffin has observed this behavior for years
and has become quite the master in the art of distraction.
Even if it's silly, we still look away and let him steal our food.
Yes, we reward any effort toward comedy in our family.
He started out with some basic 4 year old material. Stuff like...

"Look...a pony!"

or

"Oh look...it's Tom and Jerry!"



Then, his distractions became a little more advanced.
He started serving up things like...

"Look mom...it's Elvis!"

and

"Look over there...it's a Conga line!"



Well, the other day as we ate lunch at our favorite Mexican food Restaurant,
he said something so brilliant that
I just went ahead and gave him
my entire basket of tortilla chips
right on the spot.
He said...

"Look...there's a Pegasus in the salsa!"

My work here is done!

*My super hot husband took the time to create the image of the Pegasus in the Salsa. I love that man of mine!

Proud to be a Scary Mommy.

"What is a Scary Mommy, you ask? I believe a Scary Mommy is a mother who doesn’t leave the house wearing lipstick at all times. A Scary Mommy loves her kids to death, but will admit to feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted by the gig. A Scary Mommy doesn’t really care what other people think, and a Scary Mommy thinks that all mothers win when we admit our weaknesses."-Jill from Scary Mommy

Recently my old roommate from College came to visit with her 3 year old son. We had lost touch over the years and this reunion was special to me. I've changed so much from who I used to be before I had children. Let's just say that in College I was one taco short of a combination plate when it came to being a responsible person. I was also pretty flighty, fluttering around to whichever fella would pay attention to me and leaving my poor roommate in the dust.

I wanted to show her that I was all grown up and a good mommy. I cleaned the house to unrealistic proportions in her honor. Not too clean though, I left dirty dishes in the sink so as to not appear that I was trying too hard to impress her. I rotated our toys, putting the educational wooden toys on the shelf and tossing the electronic toys under the bed. The house looked spic and span and as I drove to meet her and her kiddo at a restaurant for lunch, I felt very proud of myself. I would not let her know that I was a "Scary Mommy" (a term coined by one of my favorite Bloggers that represents the anti-super mom). I would put my best face forward and present to her the closest thing to June Cleaver that I could.

It failed miserably. She may not have even noticed that my facade was cracking all around me throughout our entire visit. When we met up at the door of the restaurant her son was dressed like an indie rock kid. Donned head-to-toe in Levis and Converse tennis shoes, he was practically shining he looked so cute.

I glanced down at my 4 year old, Griffin, who had his cowboy boots on the wrong feet and paint all over his hands and clothes from an art project that he had been working on earlier. My 6 month old had dried up snot on his cheek. "So much for clean kids," I thought to myself. My son gallivanted over to hers and asked him..."Do you like pirates?" Her little boy shrugged. Griffin has known about pirates from day one. When he was just two years old he would barrel around the house with a fake hook for a hand and yell "ARGH!" as I walked by. My old roommate smiled and said "Oh, he doesn't know about Pirates yet." Griffin kinda' scrunched his face up as if to say "Huh?" and we moved on.

During the meal, her son sat very politely and ate his food while we visited and caught up on our lives. My son kept interjecting and asking questions like..." Do you like Spongebob? Do you like Lego Star Wars?" Each time the answer was no or that her son didn't watch much TV. I told her "If it's something in the media, video games, or anything inappropriate for a four year old, my kid knows about it." The facade cracked a bit. The Scary Mommy in me was fighting for air. Griffin would jump up and dance if a fun song came on as her son sat intently and ate his lunch. It quickly dawned on me that I have a Scary Kid.

It did not get much better once we arrived at our house. My son walked in and said "It looks so clean in here? What happened mom?" My old friend was gracious and pretended not to hear it. In my mind I tried to convince myself that she hadn't heard it at all. She looked around the house taking it all in. I must admit that my house is kinda' crazy. We have a 2 person trampoline in the living room. It looks like American Gladiators with a safety net and everything. An entire corner is dedicated to Griffin's toys and he has a little table where he eats snacks and plays. To someone just arriving into my life, I'm sure that my kid looks spoiled. Well, he probably is, but having all of this kid stuff easily accessible to him makes my life much easier. If he is a bit rambucutious I just throw him in the trampoline and "voila", I can clean the kitchen unbotherd. The Scary Mommy in me believes that kids should have fun and that home should be a soft place to land. The Scary Mommy in me believes that television is okay in a child's world and that video games are just part of being a kid.

Well, that backfired in a big way because as the play date progressed, my son begged to play video games at least ten times. I tried to encourage him to go play with a wooden toy or use his imagination but he was persistent. "Can we at least watch TV?" he asked in desperation. In an effort to keep him occupied, we turned on the TV and let the boys watch "Harold and the Purple Crayon". I figured that was a harmless show. My old roommate was kind and didn't seem too shocked by my son's addiction to the television. He also intermittently begged to eat some cotton candy that he had won the day before at Chuck-E-Cheese. I tried to talk over his request in hopes that she would not notice that my son was having sugar withdrawal. We had a great time chatting but in the back of my mind I knew that she probably could see through my attempt to appear perfect.

By the end of our visit, I had gone limp and quit trying to hide my inner Scary Mommy anymore. As they put on their jackets to leave, Griffin and I rolled on the floor and wrestled. I had him in a head lock and he was screaming at the top of his lungs "We're a human pretzel!" over and over. My old roommate smiled down at us as if to say, "There you are Leigh. It's so nice to see you!" I smiled back and gently grinded Griffin's face into the carpet as we said our goodbyes. A true Scary Mommy never lets her kid win without a fight!

*This is an entry for a contest over at Scary Mommy. You can campaign for me by leaving a comment giving examples from past Blog posts that make me a Scary Mommy.

Winner winner chicken dinner

It's time to announce our winner for my caption contest.
To refresh your memory here is the photo
that I challenged y'all to work with.


So, my best friend Erin, who is my partner in crime

(and happens to be the funniest person I know) was the judge.
After careful consideration, she narrowed
it down to her favorite top 3 comments.

Here they are in no particular order...

Christine
"Most Little Rock citizens shocked
at the sudden influx of Europeans
moving to their small town....not Nadine Crenshaw.
"I think they add some spice to this town
and Lord knows we could use it!"

Raising Z
"Trudy honey, can you stop posing and help me get my prosthetic penis back on??"

Tami G
Earl: "Honey - put that blasted camera down and get over here and help me get this bait hook outta my junk"

and the winner is...drumroll please!

Tami G

Earl: "Honey-put that blasted camera down and
help me get this bait hook outta my junk!"

In the end, I think that Erin picked this one because
of the use of the word "junk".
Get your mind outta the gutter Erin!

So, to make good on my promise,
I hereby crown Tami G. the funniest lady on the block!
Now head on over to her Blog and congratulate her!

Thanks to everyone who entered. You were all hilarious
but there can only be one winner.
Tune in every Friday for a new photo.
This was just too much fun
to only do once!

Channeling my inner Flapper

I must admit that I feel pretty fancy in my new hat!

I'm a copycat...wanna play?

I think that Kelly, one of my favorite Bloggers from Speaking From The Crib, is a genius. Don't believe me? Just go ask her and she'll tell you herself. I love this one feature she does where she posts pictures from the website People of Wal-mart and challenges her followers to write a caption or story for it. It's so fun that I've decided to bite her style and do the same. My photo is from Awkward Family Photos. I'll give it a go...

Trudy just couldn't shake an eerie feeling that someone was behind her.

Okay people...make me laugh! The winner will be chosen by my hilarious BFF Erin. The lady knows comedy so bring your "A" game. What do you win, you ask? Bragging rights and that's about it. We're on a budget over here! I will make a big deal about how funny you are and link back to your Bliggidy Blog. Instant fame!

Simply post your caption or story in my comments!

Lil' Friday

Warning: You are about to read the words "Lil' Friday" nine times in this post.

Here is a message that my Best friend Erin left on my machine last Thursday...

"I'm just callin' to say hello and
Happy Lil' Friday.
It's Lil'...Lil' Friday.
Today is Lil' Friday
and if you want to have a happy day
you can
It's a happy Lil' Friday!
Yay!
Um...I love you, Bye"

I had no idea what she was talking about.
I was perplexed
so I called her
and this is how our conversation went

Me: What are you talking about Lil' Friday?

Erin: You know...it's Lil' Friday!

Me: Today is Thursday though Erin.

Erin: Yeah, I know but it's also Lil' Friday.

Me: I have never heard of Lil' Friday, sorry.

Erin: It's just a way to make Thursday more exciting cause it's almost Friday...it's a Lil' Friday. I can't believe you've never heard me say that. I've been saying it for years!

Me: Well, you've been in NY for 5 years so I must have missed it somehow. So is Wednesday really Lil' Thursday then?

Erin: Yup!

Okay then, I'll take it and say it to everyone on Thursdays
and y'all should do the same!

Awards

It's time to hand out some awards and thank some amazing people who handed them to me. It's raining like crazy here in Georgia today. It's just too nasty out to bother getting dressed up this morning. My Jimmy Choo shoes would just get soaked and my hair would frizz the moment the humidity hits it. I hope that you don't mind that I gave my stylist, make up artist, and hairdresser the morning off. It's just me in my jammies and morning breath this time.

Let's get down to business!

Thank you to the lovely JennyMac at Let's Have a Cocktail for bestowing the Honest Scrap award to me. I've seen this award floating around cyberspace and wanted it to be all mine. So thank you kindly Ms. Mac!

In keeping with the rules here are...
10 things that you don't know about me
1 .One of my favorite indulgences is eating fast food in my car.
2. In high school I won the "Wittiest of my class" superlative.
3. I was the only person who campaigned to be voted Wittiest of my class. It's amazing what
teenagers will do in exchange for a cookie.
4. When I meet famous people, I turn into a total spaz and scare them to death.
5. I hate spiders. I saw one the other day and screamed like a baby.
6. I am working on a novel that I have been writing over the last 12 years.
7. When I am on Oprah for the novel that took me decades to write, I will wear a red cocktail
dress, fishnet pantyhose, and widely inappropriate shoes.
8. If you are what you eat then I am a French fry.
9. My biggest pet peeve is when I am taking shower and suddenly the water gets hot so
I turn on the cold water a little bit and then the water gets too cold so I turn up the hot
hot water a little bit and it gets too hot and the cycle continues throughout the entire shower.
10. My baby is enamored with Diet Dr. Pepper cans. If I lift one to my lips in his presence
he erupts into wiggles and giggles.

I give the award to
Stir-fry Awsomeness
Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver
The Crazy Baby Mama
Chicken Nugget Mama

Alice in Wonderland

The Mother Load

The next award was given to me by Alice in Wonderland. Thank you so much, it's a cute one.

I give the award to my favorite ladies. Just get used to it folks because I lurve them all so much that I'm just going to throw awards at them until they beg me to stop.

Speaking From the Crib
It ain't easy being cheesy
Let's have a Cocktail
Lee the Hotflash queen

Thank you to all of these wonderful Bloggers for being you and taking the time to write about your life. I am honored to know you in cyberspace!

I hereby crown myself...

I am royalty when it comes to getting the house just tidy enough for a visitor to stop by and not be disgusted by the condition of my home. I've been known to put dirty dishes in the oven and throw unfolded laundry into the bathtub just as a guest is pulling into the drive way. When my son was younger and I would straighten up the room he would ask me "Whose coming over?" Shameful, isn't it?

Well, yesterday my old roommate from college came to visit with her 3 year old son. Of course, I cleaned up the house for her. Not too much though, the woman did live with me in my twenties and has seen first hand the mess that I can make. I surveyed the house and decided that there were some things that had to really be cleaned, like the pretzel sticks that Griffin had spilled all over the floor before school, yeah, I should probably bend over and actually pick them up. Oh...and that glob of jelly on the dining room table that had dropped off my English muffin during breakfast, I should probably wipe that up too. Before I knew it, I was actually cleaning my house-for real. I was on a roll. When I accidentally woke Koen up from his morning nap while vacuuming I just hoisted him on my hip and continued to vacuum. I felt like a functioning housewife as we floated around the entire house with my baby holding on for dear life.

When Rebekka arrived the house was sparkling and it felt great. I didn't have to worry about her opening a closet to have a ton of stuff fall on her.

So, I am dethroning myself from the title Queen of fake clean and I hereby crown myself...


I was feeling all good about myself until Griffin outed me and walked into the room and shouted in front of our guests...

"What happened mom, the house looks so clean!"

A day in the life of a boy

Seen through the lens of my Holga.

The decline of Western civilization

Yesterday Roger and I dropped the kiddos off at my parent's house and went to a matinee movie. We saw Couples Retreat and it was pretty funny. I found myself having a hard time looking at Vince Vaughn though. He has not aged well.

When he first came on the scene in the movie Swingers I thought that he was the image of the perfect male specimen. He was a pretty bad boy and I couldn't get enough of Trent. To this day when I watch that movie I get all hot and bothered over the dude.

He was SO yummy!

Now...not so much! Look at him down there, he has bags under his bags. He has chins for days. He always looks hung over and pasty and puffy. It pains me to gaze upon him.

Poor Vince, will he ever be yummy again?

Lighten up

I'm tired of all this doom and gloom that I've been serving up about motherhood. It's time to lighten things up a bit. Believe it or not, I do have the uncanny ability to laugh at myself now and again. Especially if I've had a nap.

Back in June I swapped Blogs with an old friend named Alice. I love Alice...she's crafty and clever. Anyhoos, I created this list for her Blog called Circle a line. I have about 38 more readers now than I did then so, I decided to repost it. Enjoy!

My list of the most ridiculous moments of motherhood

1. Threatening to send my child to "time out" for beatboxing too loud at the dinner table.

2. Having a philosophical conversation with a four year old about the downfall of Anakin Skywalker and how he came to be Darth Vadar.

3. Saying lame things like, "When I was a kid we didn't even have Google. If I wanted to learn about something, I had to look it up in an encyclopedia."

4. Bribing my child with candy to try a bite of pizza.

5. Preparing dinner and setting up a place at the dinner table for my son's imaginary friend.

6. The fact that "family time" consists of all of us gathering around the television and playing Zelda for eight hours straight.

7. Allowing my son to blow $150 worth of Target gift cards on every single Star Wars action figure in the toy aisle. That should really teach him how to spend his money wisely.

8. It is staggering how many times a day I say the words, "get your hand out of your bottom."

*Read Alice's guest post here

Who is gonna take care of Mama?

I was sitting in my midwife's office recently pondering the possibility that I might have been suffering from postpartum depression. Deep in my heart I knew that I didn't have it but there had been several days recently when I questioned my station in life as a stay at home mom. My level of joy is directly linked to how much sleep I get the night before. The midwife listened intently as I blathered on and on about my absurd level of anxiety, my low energy, and the fact that my hoohah might as well be my foot.

Her response? "You are the mother of two children, you're tired, and you're a fierce mama bear. I want you to carve out 30 minutes a day for yourself, that's not too much to ask for yourself, now is it?"

She was right. I need to take care of me. I take care of everyone else all day long and I do it with love. I need to be kind to myself. So, every evening this week, after we have eaten dinner, I hand the baby off to Roger and escape to take a nice hot shower. It's delicious. I exfoliate and moisturize and pumice stone every inch of my body. Then I just stand beneath the stream of water and let it trickle down my nose. I just stand there and stare at my beauty products and let the warm water sooth my tired bones. My 4 year old will bang against the bathroom door and yell over and over "Are you taking a bath mom?" at the top of his lungs. I hardly even hear him over the sound of the running water.

It's working wonders for me. I haven't managed to carve out an entire 30 minutes but I am happy with a 15 minute shower. My standards are pretty low but I'll take what I can get.

I almost feel like myself again...only cleaner.

Why so glum Bono?

So I know that Bono has to be bummed because U2 played in Atlanta last night and I wasn't there. I know that Bono noticed my absence and had trouble performing because I couldn't make it to the concert. He may never get over it. Really, I'm the one that may never get over it. Who can afford to go to a concert as expensive as U2 in these pressing economic times? Not me. Also, I am in no mood to pump enough breast milk to buy myself a trip to Atlanta while my mom watches the kids and struggles to shove a bottle into Koen's mouth. It was just simpler not to go.

This is what I missed.

Doesn't that look like the mothership landed and spit out Bono? I wish I would have been there to see it person. This got me thinking of all of the concerts that I've missed in the last 5 years because I was with child, about to give birth, recovering from giving birth, or stuck at home taking care of a baby.

So here is a list of the shows that I've missed. I will lament each amazing show that happened without me there to scream my head off and shake my money maker. This will be therapeutic for me.

1. The Pixies Reunion Tour: This one hurts me deep because I had tickets to see them. I was 4 months pregnant with Griffin and sick as a dog. The idea of bass thumping my belly made me want to hurl and I ditched out at the last minute. From what I heard, the show was amazing.

2. Morrissey: My husband actually went without me and left me at home 8 months pregnant and feeling sorry for myself. I acted all cool about it but deep inside I had a hormonal episode. He came home drunk as a skunk and I pouted while he slurred his words and sang a bad rendition of How Soon Is Now.

3. The Gypsy Kings: I had tickets to go to this concert too. I was 9 weeks pregnant with Koen and set to go with a lovely friend of mine who always looks gorgeous. The idea of squeezing into a dress that was too tight and putting on non sensible shoes sounded like hell to me. Then, just the thought of walking from the parking lot to the venue made me want to take a nap.

4. The Flight of The Conchords: They played 2 days before my due date. Enough said. It's just too depressing for me to talk about.

5. Coldplay: The concert was on our anniversary this year and I wanted to go SO bad. Koen was 6 weeks old and nursing every other minute and also my lady bits were sore and the idea of jumping up and down at a concert made me want a Percocet.

However, there was one concert that I wouldn't miss for the world. When I was 7 months pregnant with Griffin we saw none other than...

The Beastie Boys

It was awesome. Griffin loved the bass and kicked and spun like a mad man to Brass Monkey. Some dudes in front of us lit up a joint and I got incensed and was about to chew them out for having the audacity to smoke pot near a pregnant woman. Then, I realized that I was a pregnant woman at a concert and excused myself to the lobby until they were done blazing. The show was one of the best shows I've ever been to.

Sigh...I'll go to a concert again one day, I hope.