Wednesday, March 3, 2010

May I sit on your couch and a have a quick therapy session? Grab a drink and have a seat because this might take a minute.

Disclaimer : This is a longer post than usual.
If I had a fat wad of cash, I'd pay some dude with glasses
to listen
but I don't and besides... that's why I have you!

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When I was a little girl I would play with my dolls and daydream about being a Mommy when I grew up. My collection of baby dolls would take turns being rocked, burped, and loved on. I just knew that one day I would have a real baby to take care of. Now, I have two awesome little boys that I adore with all of my heart. I am meant to be a mom to boys. I can use the word "Poot" in any number of sentences. I can make an incredibly realistic fart noise by licking my palm and then blowing on it. I've been known to play video games for six hours straight. I can name every Superhero, including what their powers are and who their nemesis is. I cherish my sons.

I'm good at having boys.

Yet, I must admit, my heart has been aching because I always thought that I would have a little girl. My dream as a child was to have a daughter. Now, here is the part where I tell you that I am done having children. Two is plenty for our family. Now, here is the part where I talk about the fact that maybe one day, we'll get a little surprise and I'll get my girl or another gloriously sweet little boy. Oh, and the hubby and I both think that adoption is amazing but we honestly feel that if a baby is going to be in our family then we would prefer that I grow one. Let's just, for the sake of my sanity, say that we are done having children.

Now, come take a ride through my thoughts as a million questions blaze through my mind. So, what do I do with this unmet desire that burns in my chest? How do I deal with this disappointment? Do I ignore my sadness that I don't have my little girl? Do I pretend that this is not a struggle for me? I mean, I never EVER want to make my boys feel like they are not perfect for me. How selfish am I to have two healthy and amazing little boys and still feel heartache for the little girl that I'll never have? Do I allow myself to mourn for her or is that a big waste of time, what if I bother to go through a grieving period and then end up with a daughter one day? I don't really have time for wasted tears. Do I just go ahead and try for a girl? I mean, I'm no spring chicken. Is it worth the risks? I feel like my body just now healed from giving birth! Do I really want to be pregnant or give birth again? How would I feel if it was another boy? Do I even want a third child? I really want to be done having babies. All of these questions and thoughts have sat in my heart since the moment that I found out on the ultrasound that I was having a second son. Then, I realized that

I don't need to be ashamed of my feelings.

So, I decided to give in. I quit fighting my sadness and just felt it. If I was at Target and I saw a cute little girl wearing a tutu with cowgirl boots, I would just go ahead and start crying. If I felt an ache in my heart at the thought of not having a daughter to take shopping for a Prom Dress or to be the mother of my grandchildren one day, I would just go ahead and feel that heartache from my head to my toes. Sometimes I would pass the Barbie aisle at the store and just sigh a sad sigh. I talked about it with close friends, I talked about it A LOT. I prayed about it before I fell asleep. Sometimes, I would cry myself to sleep. I grieved the loss of my childhood dream.

I cried for my little girl.

Then, something amazing happened. I felt a tiny spark ignite within me. I've always wanted to be a Stay at Home Mom (call me old fashioned) I've never put much thought into what else I'd like to do with myself. I've never had a drive or a passion that pushed me towards a career. Let's just say that I was a few beans short of a chalupa when career day rolled around. I've been okay with this and just knew that I wanted to get married and have babies. Now that I've done that, I've started to think about me. Not me as a Mom but a woman. I started to wonder,

what do I want?

I want to write my novel. I want to take beautiful photographs. I want to travel. I want to give my boys all the love that my heart can hold without pushing through heartache. I want to do things for myself for once in my life. I know that there are women out there with tons of children pulling at their skirt and they still find time to do what they want for themselves. I'm just not that kind of person. I have thrown myself into motherhood and just having two is a balancing act for me. Then, I started to realize that I am so fortunate that I can stay at home with my children and not have to work. It's a sacrifice but it's so worth it! I need to take advantage of my life being so open.

I think that my time of grief for the daughter that I may never meet is almost over. I know that my life has a path and that the people who are meant to walk down that path with me are here. With this openness came a creative surge. As each day passes and I pick up my camera to take a photo, I feel myself healing a little bit. I might write a paragraph of my novel and smile a smile that comes from deep within my soul. When I take care of myself, I feel complete. Recently, I decided to look for the blessings in my life. On my little quest for Happiness, I discovered something amazing.

Maybe...just maybe,
I am the girl that I need.


Unknown said...

OH MY GOSH! Thank you for this this morning! What a HUGE blessing! It will stay with me all day. Be blessed today, my friend!

Rachel said...

Aw I love that :) And so funny because I was thinking almost along those lines the other day. My boyfriend has 2 daughters, and my whole life I have only wanted girls. Now that I have part-time kids, I think boys are fine with me. They won't get into my nail polish or wear every single pair of my shoes, or have 10 thousand unbelieveably small doll parts stretched all over the apartment. I'm sure boys aren't perfect by any means, but just maybe I can convince them to play outside? :)

Caroline said...

Such a lovely post. You know, I am a mother of three girls (and you might recall I'm currently pregnant--we don't know the sex yet). I have the same yearning for a boy that you have for a girl. But, in the end, I think we are given the child (boy or girl) that was meant to be in our family, loved and nurtured by us. Anyway, I thought this was a beautiful post, and I can't wait to see excerpts from that novel of yours!

Andrea said...

Thanks for another awesome post.
Blessings, andrea

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

What a great discovery for you! Amazing what some positivity will do. :)

Libby said...

Such a great post!
I'm currently aupairing for a little girl and she is the first girl her Oma has gotten, after having two boys. She told me she always wanted a little girl, and 60 years into her life, she finally got one.
Oh and you can bet she is spoiled!!!

Ducky said...

...I have goosebumps....

You are a blessing to so many. Thank you for sharing your therapy session today. In doing so, I think you've helped to heal many fissures in others....

The Only Girl said...

What a lovely post Leigh!

And I totally hear you. Being in the same boy boat and all. I do think I'm more suited to boys. It's just who I am. And don't they say "God gives you what you can handle?"

And the more I hear about my friends high maintenance daughters, the happier I am to have my sweet little men.

And last week I just got a neice! With which I will be able to satisfy almost all my daughter cravings. There will be hair braiding, tea parties, shopping and manicures. Beautiful outfits to buy and Barbies to play with.

And then I will happily go home to my wonderful sons.

Jennifer said...

Thank you so much for writing what is in my heart.

I have two girls. I'm currently praying about whether or not to add to our family. I've always wanted a boy.

But God has given me my girls for a reason. I am meant to be the mother of girls -- and my dearest friend is meant to be the mother of boys. It's funny because we'll swap our kids every once in awhile to get our "fix"!

~ Jennifer

Kearsie said...

Let me sit down on the couch and tuck my leg under me and get comfortable.

What's so interesting to me, is that over here in my corner of the world, I have two girls and feel very much I was made to be a mom to girls, and yet I want a boy. I want to experience that love a boy has for his mother, to feel the pride when he plays sports, makes a touchdown and looks to the stands to see if Mom was watching, to instill in him the traits my awesome husband has, to teach him to be a man of God. And yet, my husband feels we're done with two. Yet I have a part of my heart still open, and ready for another child to take it's spot.

Ok, I sat too long and now my foot's asleep.

Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million said...

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!Can't wait to read your novel! (Ha! Now you have no choice but to finish it! :-))

Vanessa said...

Wow. That was *beautiful*. We're the opposite here with two girls, but I have often wondered if The Husband feels the same way about having a boy as you do about having a girl.

JennyMac said...

WOW...this is amazing, and real, and raw. And I hope you do write your novel, travel, etc..and maybe you are all the girl you need.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written...and it's totally ok to be sad about not having what you _thought_ you wanted out of your life. But absolutely amazing that you've managed to find the positive and realize that you've had what you wanted/needed all along!

Shell said...

I think I love you for this post. I have three little boys and we are done having kids. I cried a little when we found out my third was going to be another boy.

I love him to pieces; I love all my boys.

But, I have that same ache. I don't think there's anything wrong with occasionally feeling that pang.

I try to make it go away by reminding myself that this means I'll never have to deal with a teenage girl and all her hormones.

Danielle said...

Awww I love that last line, its so courageous and strong!

As I was reading I was thinking, 'Maybe she'd be a great girls coach for a team, or a girlscout leader or maybe joing Big Brothers Big Sisters and be a big sister to some young girl who needs one.

But then I got to thinking that maybe that would take AWAY from your lil loves the boys.

So then I thought, maybe she has a niece or a family friend that has a daughter or a god-child , or a lil girl at the church/synagogue that would really love to have an auntie that spoiled her or let her talk about the stuff she can't say to her mom etc. I bet mom would love to have another person that their child can confide in that they trust.

AND!! maybe it would help the boys to learn that girls are people and not something to be nervous or different so when they get to dating (ahhh)or beyond ages, they're cool with them like a sibling.

Unknown said...

You are AWSOME being you and having the life that you have. Enjoy all your blessings!

Danielle said...

Sorry I just posted a long comment already,, but I just opened another blog that I read's post and found this,,, its like your on the same wavelength today so I figured I'd share..

VandyJ said...

I too ahd to come to grips with having only boys. Not having a girl meant not having anyone to share the dolls my mom had saved for me, the books I loved as a girla nd so many ohter things. Then I thought about how hard a time I had navigating the hell that is the teenage years and was thankful for my boys. Less drama and more fun later on.

June said...

What a truly lovely post. Very well written and I love the last line.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Stepping On Cheerios said...

Beautiful post. I just posted this morning about wanting a girl. Love your perspective:)

Tami G said...

WOW - what a great walk through your thoughts and what a GREAT conclusion you might have reached there at the end.
I myself struggle with this but in a different way....
YOU have given me the courage to share my thoughts... walk through them and see where I end up.
I'm working on that blog right now :)


Saffron & Rhett J'Adore said...

This was fantastic and a great read! We all have things that we've really wanted in our lives, or expected to become of our lives, but didn't work out. Dealing with these problems and moving on is a great thing, and yes, I think that you are the girl you need. :) Every mommy needs herself, too. I'm working on getting a little bit of "me" back, cuz I just jumped right into motherhood and forgot all about Erica. Not mom. :-p

Danielle said...

Goosebumps all over the place. Such a great message and realization.
My best friend has been going through the exact same thing, so I know it very well. Infact if I had a spouse, I would do the same about having a 2nd.
You are amazing!

Sarah RDH said...

Great post! So many mommies out there feel that way! I always always thought I would have 2 boys then a girl, bc that's how my family is and my hubs family too. So that's always what I pictured. But baby #2 is my little girl. I'm happy that I have 1 of each, but I long to have another little boy!! I know the aching feeling, I have it all day, every day, bc hubs keeps saying we're DONE. Every mother that's ever told me they were done, said they just have a feeling where they KNOW. And I clearly do NOT have that feeling. So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle; my own feelings yearning for another baby, or hubs feelings strongly opposed to another??? It's so hard. But I JUST had this baby, so I try not to get too upset. You never know in a few years, maybe I'll change my mind; maybe he'll change his. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Agnes said...

I believe that everything happens for a reason :))

I have a surprise for you here:

GO & Take it you really own It!

With deepest Love,


Karen Mortensen said...

Thank you so much for this. I am not sure what to say but this really helped me today. Especially that part about feeling your feelings. I need to learn to do that. I always try to get rid of my feelings.
I have been going through a lot of grief for 21 years. I had a son born with Fraglie x syndrome and because I am a carrier, I decided not to have any more children. That has been so hard so I know somewhat of how you feeling. I relly grief for the children I couldn't have.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing and helping me today.

Tracie said...

As a mom to 2 boys, I loved reading this. I can't wait to read your novel!

Heather (One Take On Life) said...

I love this post. I can so relate to it. I am blessed with both a boy and a girl. But I realized when I was pregnant the second time that if I had two boys I would have been one lucky mom too.

Miz Dinah said...

A) Girls like fart noises too;
B) You might have found that your girl wasn't a girlie-girl and didn't want to wear all the cute outfits you had planned;
C) Your boys may grow up to have daughters of their own. I hear grandmas have more fun. :)

Jennifer Vanderbeek said...

I definitely thing it's okay to miss something or wonder what-if--as long as it doesn't take over your life, you know?

And I applaud you for realizing you DO have a girl--yourself, your inner child, even--to indulge and nurture.

I was ready to suggest many of the things Danielle did, as well, if you needed a girly outlet, too.

Carma Sez said...

I think you've come to a wise conclusion all on your own - no therapy needed :-)

I was relieved when we had a boy because I don't do the girlie things well...

Joy said...

When I was a kid, I had a friend who was the 6th (and last kid). His parents had all boys. They kept trying for a girl and kept getting another boy. Now their boys have kids...and they have their girls. Lots of 'em! So, you never know. God gave you 2 boys for a reason. And maybe someday you'll be able to dress your grandaughter in cowboy boots and a tutu! I think grieving and giving yourself closure to the ideas of having a daughter is healthy and will help you move on to your dreams you mentioned. I've always thought that God gives "all boys" to strong women who He knows can handle it!

citymouse said...

I am a mom to 5 boys. We had the three and then had a surprise that ended up being twin boys. I think that's just what we make. I used to long for a little girl but I can honestly say I am happy with my crew. At this point, I don't know if I'd know how to mother a girl!

Therese said...

I love your conclusion. You never know what the future may bring. Maybe there is a little spot reserved in your heart for a girl that needs it. Maybe (if your sons decide to choose female partners) you will have amazing daughter-in-laws, or granddaughters one day!!

Or, maybe you ARE all the girl you need and getting to know and love her more will be an amazing adventure :)

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Wow- what power in that post, and so much to relate to.
Having twin boys first, I felt jipped. I wanted my girl and I felt like I deserved to be preggo again. I had all those thoughts and feelings. And we went for it, and we have another boy.
So lately I've been going through the same sort of mourning, because 3 boys is plenty.

Stephanie said...

Love this post. I think you're spot on with your thinking, but just to throw something into the mix, I'll share this.

We have two girls and I really wanted to have a boy. Getting pregnant doesn't guarantee that, but one of the things I realized is that even if I had another girl, even if it was past prime child-rearing years, we would never think, "man I wish we hadn't done that." Once you had that child, and as life continued on, you wouldn't be able to imagine life without them, no matter what the circumstances turned out to be.

Just for the record, my thinking ended up being the same as yours. While I would love a little boy, I also *love* the life I have as it is. And writing happens to be part of that for me, too (which I can honestly say would never have happened with a wee one. Does that make me selfish? Maybe, but being happy makes for a healthier mom to the family I already have.)

Thanks for sharing the feelings you was good for me to visit the issue again, and realize how content I am.

Anonymous said...

.....and what an amazing girl she is.

Susan Anderson said...

Glad you did a review, Leigh, because otherwise I would have missed this beautiful post.

I love your honesty...and your deep sense of and love for being a mom.

Boys or girls, nobody does it better!