Disclaimer : This is a longer post than usual.
If I had a fat wad of cash, I'd pay some dude with glasses
to listen but I don't and besides... that's why I have you!
When I was a little girl I would play with my dolls and daydream about being a Mommy when I grew up. My collection of baby dolls would take turns being rocked, burped, and loved on. I just knew that one day I would have a real baby to take care of. Now, I have two awesome little boys that I adore with all of my heart. I am meant to be a mom to boys. I can use the word "Poot" in any number of sentences. I can make an incredibly realistic fart noise by licking my palm and then blowing on it. I've been known to play video games for six hours straight. I can name every Superhero, including what their powers are and who their nemesis is. I cherish my sons.
I'm good at having boys.
Yet, I must admit, my heart has been aching because I always thought that I would have a little girl. My dream as a child was to have a daughter. Now, here is the part where I tell you that I am done having children. Two is plenty for our family. Now, here is the part where I talk about the fact that maybe one day, we'll get a little surprise and I'll get my girl or another gloriously sweet little boy. Oh, and the hubby and I both think that adoption is amazing but we honestly feel that if a baby is going to be in our family then we would prefer that I grow one. Let's just, for the sake of my sanity, say that we are done having children.
Now, come take a ride through my thoughts as a million questions blaze through my mind. So, what do I do with this unmet desire that burns in my chest? How do I deal with this disappointment? Do I ignore my sadness that I don't have my little girl? Do I pretend that this is not a struggle for me? I mean, I never EVER want to make my boys feel like they are not perfect for me. How selfish am I to have two healthy and amazing little boys and still feel heartache for the little girl that I'll never have? Do I allow myself to mourn for her or is that a big waste of time, what if I bother to go through a grieving period and then end up with a daughter one day? I don't really have time for wasted tears. Do I just go ahead and try for a girl? I mean, I'm no spring chicken. Is it worth the risks? I feel like my body just now healed from giving birth! Do I really want to be pregnant or give birth again? How would I feel if it was another boy? Do I even want a third child? I really want to be done having babies. All of these questions and thoughts have sat in my heart since the moment that I found out on the ultrasound that I was having a second son.
Then, I realized that
I don't need to be ashamed of my feelings.
So, I decided to give in. I quit fighting my sadness and just felt it. If I was at Target and I saw a cute little girl wearing a tutu with cowgirl boots, I would just go ahead and start crying. If I felt an ache in my heart at the thought of not having a daughter to take shopping for a Prom Dress or to be the mother of my grandchildren one day, I would just go ahead and feel that heartache from my head to my toes. Sometimes I would pass the Barbie aisle at the store and just sigh a sad sigh. I talked about it with close friends, I talked about it A LOT. I prayed about it before I fell asleep. Sometimes, I would cry myself to sleep. I grieved the loss of my childhood dream.
I cried for my little girl.
Then, something amazing happened. I felt a tiny spark ignite within me. I've always wanted to be a Stay at Home Mom (call me old fashioned) I've never put much thought into what else I'd like to do with myself. I've never had a drive or a passion that pushed me towards a career. Let's just say that I was a few beans short of a chalupa when career day rolled around. I've been okay with this and just knew that I wanted to get married and have babies. Now that I've done that, I've started to think about me. Not me as a Mom but me...as a woman. I started to wonder,
what do I want?
I want to write my novel. I want to take beautiful photographs. I want to travel. I want to give my boys all the love that my heart can hold without pushing through heartache. I want to do things for myself for once in my life. I know that there are women out there with tons of children pulling at their skirt and they still find time to do what they want for themselves. I'm just not that kind of person. I have thrown myself into motherhood and just having two is a balancing act for me. Then, I started to realize that I am so fortunate that I can stay at home with my children and not have to work. It's a sacrifice but it's so worth it! I need to take advantage of my life being so open.
I think that my time of grief for the daughter that I may never meet is almost over. I know that my life has a path and that the people who are meant to walk down that path with me are here. With this openness came a creative surge. As each day passes and I pick up my camera to take a photo, I feel myself healing a little bit. I might write a paragraph of my novel and smile a smile that comes from deep within my soul. When I take care of myself, I feel complete. Recently, I decided to look for the blessings in my life. On my little quest for Happiness, I discovered something amazing.
Maybe...just maybe,
I am the girl that I need.
"Karen straddles the only Stud
