Listen people, I'm not one to complain about Motherhood. Most of the time, I flippin' love it. I'm the mom who gladly wipes my son's nose with the bottom of my $100 Anthropologie skirt. I'm the mom who picks up the same Star Wars action figures from the same spot on the floor everyday and I do it with a smile. For some reason today has just been one annoyance after another. Let me demonstrate for you. This will be therapeutic for me.
It all started bright and early at 6 am when my son (Cohen, the one that is in utero) woke me up with a few swift kicks to the rib. I tried to change positions but the kicking continued. As if he was saying "WAKE UP MOMMY AND EAT AN ENGLISH MUFFIN, WE'RE HUNGRY!" Then, I felt a small child wiggle next me. Griffin had crawled into bed with us at about 3 am and had proceeded to actively pursue sleeping on top of my head for the rest of the night. "Is it the day?" he asked very sleepily. "No, it's still dark outside, it's the night, now go back to sleep!" I replied. 10 minutes later we were in the living room and he was sipping on his morning smoothie. It was 6:10 am. I promptly put on Blues Clues and sat on the couch in stupor.
7 am rolls around and I decide to take advantage of the early start to the day and load the dishwasher. Against my better judgment I put on Spongebob Squarepants and escape to the kitchen. The problem with Spongebob (other than the fact that it has zero educational value and makes my son act like a hyper sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea) is that it is on Nickelodeon, which is filled with commercials. Every 5 minutes Griffin would scream "MOM!" at the top of his lungs. I would run into the living room to find him wide eyed "Look at those cool shoes mom, can I have them?" I gazed at the television to see some crazy Sketchers tennis shoes with bouncy balls on the soles. He then proceeded to beg for a Chia Pet, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and a doll that actually pees in the potty. I escape back to the kitchen ignoring his pleas.
Then, he decides that he is going to pretend to be sick so that he can stay from school home and play video games all morning. I know that this was his plan because my child has an inner dialogue that comes out all of the time. He is constantly spewing out his grand ideas under his breath. As I pass by him to empty the hamper in the bathroom, I heard his plan being made. "I'll say I have a tummy ache." I heard him say. Then the symptoms started. "Mom, I have a little tummy ache." I gave him half a child's TUMS and our little bear stuffed animal that warms up in the microwave to sooth an upset stomach, just in case this symptom was real. "Mom, the inside of my legs hurt!" So I rubbed lotion on it and told him it was medicine that makes legs feel better. "Mom, my finger hurts!" I gave it a kiss and put a Spiderman band aid on it. "What would make you feel better?" I asked him. "Uh...to stay home from school and play Spyro all day."
Luckily, I managed to shove him in the car and successfully hand him off to his teacher. She can deal with his fake symptoms. I'm going to feel really bad if he comes down with a tummy bug and has a sprained finger. Anyway, now the house is quiet and all I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch the latest episode of The Hills. Heidi and Spencer will have to wait though. There are presents to wrap, cookies to bake for a cookie exchange, and thank you cards to write. The list goes on and on. This whole domestic thing is really getting in the way of my social life!
